Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Irony
It's funny that I am miserably lonely and despise being single, but I'm also pretty convinced no sane woman with the gift of sight would want to date a little piece of shit like me.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Not so much drunk, just not so much sober
Yeah, today was a day to hit up the bar, using the prior blog post as evidence, it was a bad day that unfortunately just didn't end when I tried to tell a 60-year-old been-here-forever miserable old bitch of a reporter who gave up already with me after I tried to stop him from quoting at length from Missouri state statutes.
I told him it was ridiculous to quote the statute and have it take up 6 inches of his damn story about the bloody city council meeting (and it is, after all, we're not writing legal briefs). He preceded to tell me he didn't care what changes I made to his stories and wouldn't listen to me when I asked him about the occasions where he explained he had to "explain" changes in his stories to his sources.
Which I assume means people have had disagreements with the stories I edited. Which means apparently he's not willing to listen to what I have to say or bother to talk to me about it so I told him with sarcasm dripping I was glad we could agree to butt heads on this.
Yeah it's not worth talking to the bastard. And that's what I decided not to do for the rest of the damn day.
Just another example of this decrepit hole I'm working in. I still can't believe I wasted a god-damn degree to work here and honestly it makes me depressed just to think of the fact that I'm pretty much fucked over the wall because I can't afford financially or emotionally to leave this god damn town.
It was bad enough to spend one birthday here, I hate the thought of spending two.
Which occurred to me after one drink this evening at the fabulous Applebees bar. I was feeling a little more giddy after two.
I told him it was ridiculous to quote the statute and have it take up 6 inches of his damn story about the bloody city council meeting (and it is, after all, we're not writing legal briefs). He preceded to tell me he didn't care what changes I made to his stories and wouldn't listen to me when I asked him about the occasions where he explained he had to "explain" changes in his stories to his sources.
Which I assume means people have had disagreements with the stories I edited. Which means apparently he's not willing to listen to what I have to say or bother to talk to me about it so I told him with sarcasm dripping I was glad we could agree to butt heads on this.
Yeah it's not worth talking to the bastard. And that's what I decided not to do for the rest of the damn day.
Just another example of this decrepit hole I'm working in. I still can't believe I wasted a god-damn degree to work here and honestly it makes me depressed just to think of the fact that I'm pretty much fucked over the wall because I can't afford financially or emotionally to leave this god damn town.
It was bad enough to spend one birthday here, I hate the thought of spending two.
Which occurred to me after one drink this evening at the fabulous Applebees bar. I was feeling a little more giddy after two.
Tell me why I bothered to do anything with my life
PLEASE DON'T READ THIS IF YOU CARE ABOUT ME IN ANY WAY
I came to the realization again today that I work at a job where I could have written and signed my own degree and probably could have done just as well.
I went to school two states away from my high school (and partially caused my family to move up a year later) to go to school for four years, spend a semester in DC, spend a summer in Mexico (big fat fucking waste of good money on both accounts given the result) to get a job in a little newspaper on the back side of fucking nowhere.
I deal with absolutely inept reporters who insist on long-winded stories filled to the fucking brim with reams of direct-to-print quotes at length from public officials and yet seem to believe that they know what they're doing.
If you let some asshole dictate your story you haven't fucking done your job.
I hate this. I managed to do absolutely nothing with all the time I spent in school, the work I did there and the thousands of dollars my parents absolutely fucking wasted on this little piece of shit.
I made connections, I networked, I got a fucking fantastic internship at a big fucking daily newspaper and managed to throw it away, 100 percent of my life is in the garbage because I'm working at a fucking dead end job if there ever was one and I absolutely cannot afford financially or emotionally to leave it.
I live in a town where I can't find another person like me (demographically) and I'm miserable.
Fucking miserable.
I have no one in Lebanon. No one.
I had a great internship and later got a job at a bigger city newspaper which I thought a year and a half ago would be the smallest newspaper I would ever work for for the rest of my life.
And yet, I went smaller. Because I am a good for nothing little shit worth no more than the dirt on the fucking ground and that has been proven to me countless times.
I lost a good 50, 60 pounds and managed to gain all of it back because I am just that fucking lazy. I'm not born big boned or anything. I am just fucking lazy and that is why I'm so god-awful fucking fat today.
I don't like myself and honestly I can't see why anyone else would either.
Smart? A smart person would succeed, dammit.
I came to the realization again today that I work at a job where I could have written and signed my own degree and probably could have done just as well.
I went to school two states away from my high school (and partially caused my family to move up a year later) to go to school for four years, spend a semester in DC, spend a summer in Mexico (big fat fucking waste of good money on both accounts given the result) to get a job in a little newspaper on the back side of fucking nowhere.
I deal with absolutely inept reporters who insist on long-winded stories filled to the fucking brim with reams of direct-to-print quotes at length from public officials and yet seem to believe that they know what they're doing.
If you let some asshole dictate your story you haven't fucking done your job.
I hate this. I managed to do absolutely nothing with all the time I spent in school, the work I did there and the thousands of dollars my parents absolutely fucking wasted on this little piece of shit.
I made connections, I networked, I got a fucking fantastic internship at a big fucking daily newspaper and managed to throw it away, 100 percent of my life is in the garbage because I'm working at a fucking dead end job if there ever was one and I absolutely cannot afford financially or emotionally to leave it.
I live in a town where I can't find another person like me (demographically) and I'm miserable.
Fucking miserable.
I have no one in Lebanon. No one.
I had a great internship and later got a job at a bigger city newspaper which I thought a year and a half ago would be the smallest newspaper I would ever work for for the rest of my life.
And yet, I went smaller. Because I am a good for nothing little shit worth no more than the dirt on the fucking ground and that has been proven to me countless times.
I lost a good 50, 60 pounds and managed to gain all of it back because I am just that fucking lazy. I'm not born big boned or anything. I am just fucking lazy and that is why I'm so god-awful fucking fat today.
I don't like myself and honestly I can't see why anyone else would either.
Smart? A smart person would succeed, dammit.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
On the inside
There are some times I just simply want to tell my employers and everyone just what I feel about myself. I want to tell people that i have no self-esteem. I want to tell people who I am sure must believe that because I constantly seem to be trying to prove to people that I'm smart that I am really that way because I don't believe I'm very bright at all.
Sometimes I just want to tell people that I don't see anything in myself but imperfections, shortfalls and failure.
There are things I've come to accept. I use to actually be concerned that I, for instance have one ear lower than the other, that one eye tends to stray in a different direction than the other when I'm tired or I have a very unusual gait. I know those things, but eventually have come to recognize them as unimportant and it's obvious that other people don't hold them against me.
There is one thing I'm not willing to accept and that is my ridiculous girth. But at that I'm in teh gym most days of the week in the hopes that with enough dogged commitment to that I will actually succeed in slimming myself.
Sometimes I just want to tell people that I don't see anything in myself but imperfections, shortfalls and failure.
There are things I've come to accept. I use to actually be concerned that I, for instance have one ear lower than the other, that one eye tends to stray in a different direction than the other when I'm tired or I have a very unusual gait. I know those things, but eventually have come to recognize them as unimportant and it's obvious that other people don't hold them against me.
There is one thing I'm not willing to accept and that is my ridiculous girth. But at that I'm in teh gym most days of the week in the hopes that with enough dogged commitment to that I will actually succeed in slimming myself.
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]