Friday, June 22, 2007
Not a good week
So according to the Mayo Clinic I meet several symptoms of depression right now, which make sense. I've been pretty much depressed since last Friday when I learned that two jobs I thought I might have had a shot at turned me down.
I saw another job opening yesterday to work in the graduate school as an information specialist for MU, but I'm fence-sitting about it, in part because I think I'm in the midst of a general malaise of hopelessness, oddly, one of the symptoms.
I've also found in the last week that I've been more partial to being irritable, getting to bed earlier but finding it even harder to wake up in the morning, more fatigued at the end of the day than I'm used to feeling, even some impaired decision making and I've always felt low self-esteem.
The thing is, am I living to meet the symptoms? Or do the symptoms honestly describe me?
I saw another job opening yesterday to work in the graduate school as an information specialist for MU, but I'm fence-sitting about it, in part because I think I'm in the midst of a general malaise of hopelessness, oddly, one of the symptoms.
I've also found in the last week that I've been more partial to being irritable, getting to bed earlier but finding it even harder to wake up in the morning, more fatigued at the end of the day than I'm used to feeling, even some impaired decision making and I've always felt low self-esteem.
The thing is, am I living to meet the symptoms? Or do the symptoms honestly describe me?
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Great, doubt
I've felt this way for a long time, but however much people seem to get the impression that I might be a bright person, I still know in my heart that the minute I'm around anyone who's the slightest bit brighter than I am, then the world will realize that there are people operating on much higher levels.
As a result, I have grown to develop this tense paranoia whenever I'm around really bright people and, in some sense I've come to avoid it.
I mean as far as winning arguments I've never been a really great debater, but just in basic knowledge, understanding and interpretation of the world I've always felt like I'm running to catch up. It's like in Toledo when I was spending time around Ivy Leaguers who were clearly operating above my level. Regardless of what I believed about myself going in, I was instantly concerned that someone would quickly see me for what I really am — full of shit.
It happened today, someone was clearly operating faster than I was, 64 bits v. a Pentium III. The paranoia that someone was clearly seeing straight through my transparent outer coating immediately made me feel very very small.
Ah well, I suppose I'll try to look for some respect elsewhere, or dig for it within myself, perhaps the well is not yet dry.
As a result, I have grown to develop this tense paranoia whenever I'm around really bright people and, in some sense I've come to avoid it.
I mean as far as winning arguments I've never been a really great debater, but just in basic knowledge, understanding and interpretation of the world I've always felt like I'm running to catch up. It's like in Toledo when I was spending time around Ivy Leaguers who were clearly operating above my level. Regardless of what I believed about myself going in, I was instantly concerned that someone would quickly see me for what I really am — full of shit.
It happened today, someone was clearly operating faster than I was, 64 bits v. a Pentium III. The paranoia that someone was clearly seeing straight through my transparent outer coating immediately made me feel very very small.
Ah well, I suppose I'll try to look for some respect elsewhere, or dig for it within myself, perhaps the well is not yet dry.
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]