the navel times and observer

OK, so after the GED tutoring session this evening, where it looks like we made tremendous progress teaching my student algebra, I definitely left on a math high.

I mean, walking out of the library and if I didn't have four library books with the maximum library fines, one of which I haven't finished yet, I would have definitely been leaving with a calculus book, a trigonometry book or one on the history of pi.

It also unearthed this thought I had a couple weeks ago that if I spent a lot of time reading to and in front of my child (though at the moment I'm not close to conceiving one or being able to afford to raise one) and even going as far as practicing math problems at home in hopes that a child who models so much of their behavior on me to pick up some of that behavior.

I mean I'm even thinking as far as reading multiplication tables to a child in the womb to hopefully build a pre-nascent memory so when it learns the key it could rapidly accelerate its learning curve. I mean, ideally it would be a child that is so used to being around knowledge and getting more of it that the child would think it unusual for people not to have that perspective.

Naturally, I would hope to find a gifted program as soon as possible so the child wouldn't be alone on Olympus, but in general, I'd like a child who would just be infused with the power of knowledge. Naturally I'd also try to pass on politeness, gratefulness, the other virtues.

Ideally, I'd like for somebody who would be so confident of what they know that they feel like they could solve problems -- any problem, aside, of course, for the emotional ones, we're looking for a genius, not a robot.

But it seems like there's so much potential there for a mind unencumbered by people saying "No, you're not good enough." At least intellectually, I really can't hope to pass on any athletic ability with my sports savvy.

Anyway, I think it could be done, and even without a Skinner box!

I find it ironic that I'm trying to get a job one of the duties of which is writing when I cannot write to save my ass, at least as far as convincing someone I'd be a decent job applicant through anything I've ever written, at least as far as what I've written for cover letters.

Every attempt is just fucking boring, or useless. Oh well, still at it.

So I realize that living in an apartment well insulated by other apartments above, below and behind me in two directions was fantastic in the winter when I never had to touch the heater regardless of how much ice was covering the trees outside, but really bites even when the temperature's in the 60s.

I've got the stupid thermostat set at 80 and it runs almost constantly. I mean in Joplin my landlord had the thermostats restricted to only 82 degrees, but I had 3 exterior walls and remained perfectly comfortable.

So, after improving, slowly, on my application to the Juneau paper, I went to bed with some of the following thoughts:

I'm scared. I'm still not sure if I have it in my gut to really achieve success in the world of journalism. I feel like writing in general should be brilliant, edgy, astounding, and I simply don't see any of that in anything I've ever written.

Journalism writing and reporting in particular should be especially edgy, reporters should always be looking further, transcending what they're writing on. I'm not sure I've ever approached that. I mean most of my stories are just talking to people and writing what they said but I constantly (more so here myself, in Joplin after sometimes less-than-gentle probing by editors) am finding myself looking at stories and thinking "what on Earth did I ever show anybody that they didn't know before? That would really open their minds?

Which is what concerns me about approaching another journalism job. I don't know what it is to really feel like I'm contributing great things to a newsroom instead of filling in for another cog who's moved on.

It also seems to make it more and more clear that for the time I spent in Joplin I feel less like I was a real "adult" "mature" reporter who really understands what they were doing then an overpaid intern who knows nothing.

You might say "but, Chadwick, isn't that the definition of a 'cub' reporter?" Possibly, but I won't accept that.

I've reason to believe, and it's been enforced by many people, that I'm a fairly bright person. I really want to believe that. And there are times that I do.

So I have to ask what is it about a bright person that limits him or her from succeeding in a world where so many mediocre bulbs have succeeded just fine -- some in higher up positions than I'm in.

I also need to get on my ass to run again, I've determined that an appropriate "Chadwick-weight" is about 180 pounds (I'm at about 1.36 Chadwicks now). I feel better when I'm thinner and much worse when I'm fat, and I didn't have the gall to extend myself very far even when I was thin.

I just saw the ad up again on the journalism jobs Web site, looks like the opportunity has been revised. I plan on revising my search. Just got to take those last few steps.

I just don't feel excited about Juneau anymore, I guess the fire just left me. I'll probably find something new to get excited about sooner or later.

Honestly, and keep in mind I've been feeling under the weather for most of the last two weeks, I feel like I'm just sort of riding the waves lately.

Don't eat Peter Pan or Great Value peanut butter with a serial number beginning with 2111.

It's tragic, but many times I can't help but define myself other than by my weight.