the navel times and observer

I've felt this way for a long time, but however much people seem to get the impression that I might be a bright person, I still know in my heart that the minute I'm around anyone who's the slightest bit brighter than I am, then the world will realize that there are people operating on much higher levels.

As a result, I have grown to develop this tense paranoia whenever I'm around really bright people and, in some sense I've come to avoid it.

I mean as far as winning arguments I've never been a really great debater, but just in basic knowledge, understanding and interpretation of the world I've always felt like I'm running to catch up. It's like in Toledo when I was spending time around Ivy Leaguers who were clearly operating above my level. Regardless of what I believed about myself going in, I was instantly concerned that someone would quickly see me for what I really am — full of shit.

It happened today, someone was clearly operating faster than I was, 64 bits v. a Pentium III. The paranoia that someone was clearly seeing straight through my transparent outer coating immediately made me feel very very small.

Ah well, I suppose I'll try to look for some respect elsewhere, or dig for it within myself, perhaps the well is not yet dry.